I was always the careful type. Overly cautious when intimate because I always wanted to fall in Love, get married, buy a house, and THEN have kids. We were careful so much so that even after we were married, we decided to wait until I graduated from college to TRY and get pregnant. Little did I know, it turned out, that it wouldn't be quite as easy as I thought.
It's funny how you're either on one side or the other when it comes to sitting in the bathroom with a pregnancy test in your hand. It's like that insurance commercial where the two characters are expressing the exact same dialogue with two very different emotions. You're either jumping for joy, or sobbing.
I know I've talked about our journey somewhat on this blog already in various posts, but I just wanted to take the time to put an cumulative version all in one place as well.
Sean and I always knew we wanted to have kids. We love kids, we've always talked about wanting kids, and we both knew that we really wanted to be parents. We actually ended up buying our house together a year before we got married, got married, and then I finished college the following year. We began trying, but it just wasn't happening for us.
I'd always had irregular cycles growing up, but that kind of ran in my family. However, after almost a year of trying, I decided to go speak to an OBGYN about it. We talked about family history and charting. I went through 5 or 6 rounds of Clomid, natural Progesterone, and OVPK (Ovulation Predictor Kits). Luckily, I wasn't suffering from any of the side effects. I seemed to be balancing out slightly in terms of my cycle appearing after each round of progesterone, but other than that, the balance was not consistent and I was experiencing some highs and lows. I only had one ultrasound and my interactions with this doctor were not as encouraging as I'd hoped. Throughout my time with this first OB, I didn't feel like communication was consistent. I never felt like we were on the same page. We would communicate through the online medical message center and I would describe, in detail, my experience with each round of Clomid, but I would always just get a response along the lines of, "we'll just have to see how next round goes." I needed someone who was going to be an advocate for me.
Along with visiting the OBGYN, I also tried some natural methods as well. Diets, vitamins, etc. A friend of mine introduced me to doTerra oils. Ieventually became a wellness consultant after amazing results with some of the various oils. I began using Clary Calm, an oil blend used to bring balance to "emotions and hormones." For more information about doTerra oils, click
here. I also tried a few appointments with an acupuncturist.
Around the end of the 5th or 6th cycle of Clomid with no success, I decided that I needed a break emotionally. Every time I took a pregnancy test, I was met with more disappointment. Why wasn't my body doing what it was supposed to be capable of? I struggled with faith, I cried more times than I could count, and it was sometimes a struggle for my very supportive, but frustrated husband to relate completely. It was time for a clean slate. After all, in everything I had been reading, (and it was extremely annoying when the statement kept being brought up) most people who struggled to become pregnant and had been trying for a long time, finally got pregnant after they had finally stopped trying.
At the beginning of December of 2014, I decided to go see a new doctor. My sister in law who was about to have their baby girl very soon referred her to us. We met Dr. Gordon (yes, same last name) and immediately noticed a significant difference all around. This doctor was proactive, attentive, and listened and was there to answer any questions or address any concerns. This time, I had multiple blood tests done and we tried to really get to the "root" of the issue. I was not immediately put on hormones or any drugs. The previous OBGYN had tossed around PCOS as an answer to my struggle with becoming pregnant. It was always"assumed" due to my symptoms. However, to this day, I'm still not 100% sure that this is the appropriate "label."
Eventually, we decided to try again with Clomid, except this time, I was told to chart, had multiple blood tests throughout the cycle, and was always followed up with an ultrasound to measure for follicles. A
WORLD OF DIFFERENCE in practice. We also decided to use Progestin, instead of the natural Progesterone. I had done a lot of reading the past couple of years and I also talked
to the Doctor about trying out Metformin. After discussion, we decided
that it wouldn't hurt to try. I did experience some of the side effects
(nausea, feeling sick, and weight loss). I lost about 10-15 pounds
while on Metformin.
After a couple rounds of Clomid with good sized follicles, but no pregnancy, we decided that I should have an HSG procedure. An HSG procedure is one in which they check to see if there are any blockages in your tubes. They use a small balloon like object to expand your cervix and inject glow in the dark ink into your tubes to check for blockages. I spent the next month and a half "recovering" and healing from this procedure (like a super long menstruation cycle). The results came back with no blockages (a good thing) and eventually I was able to start a new cycle. After jump starting with Progestin, I did another round of Clomid, produced two good size follicles, and this time, I was given an HCG shot. 3 additional weeks later, one (or 6) positive tests! FINALLY!
It was a long road getting there, years, to be exact, but with the right Doctor, a supportive partner, and the right treatment, it became possible. I'm not sure what exactly it was that made everything click, but Everything eventually falls into place.
During our journey, I did a lot of reading and struggling. It's easy to get down on
yourself, to feel alone. There are also going to be times when your
significant other feels helpless and won't quite be able to relate.
There were times when I felt broken. I would cry in my room, cry in the
bathroom, cry in the shower. I experienced some depression and a lack of faith. It's actually very interesting to discover how common
infertility/or struggling to become pregnant really is. It doesn't make it
any easier. Whenever some one I knew got pregnant or posted an
announcement on social media, or took photos of their babies, a large part
of my heart hurt. There were times I felt anger. Everyone always had something to say, or some advice to give, and sometimes they would just flat out, say the wrong thing. We kept it very private and people who didn't know we were trying, would constantly ask us when we were going to have a baby.
Luckily, despite the struggle I did have a good support system. A wonderful husband and family and friends. It can
happen. Everything happens for a reason and in its own time. Patience
is a hard thing, but when it finally did happen, it was worth it. Also, I believe it made me appreciate and experience every moment of my pregnancy even more.
